I told you guys from the beginning that I will bring you on this journey of truly finding myself, and also helping you get in touch with yourself.
I have done just that, or at least have tried to. The truth is, sometimes life gets messy, complicated, kinda seems like the drama won’t end. It does, you realise what kind of friends you need in your life, and who to depend on, what you should be doing to make yourself happy again.
So over the past little while, I’ve gone through a separation with somebody who, like we all do, thought I was going to be with for a long time. If you’re lucky your friends will have your back and offer to keep you busy so your mind doesn’t drive you crazy, and if your me, you will have two sisters bringing you everywhere because you haven’t spent more than an hour with either of them in months. That made me so grateful.
At first, it’s lonely, and I’m talking real lonely. Like wanting to sleep for days and days, not wanting to leave the house because you just don’t want to explain yourself to anyone. You don’t want to believe it when they say it takes time as if nobody has ever felt as hurt as you are.
It does take time. It takes as much time as you allow yourself. That’s okay, you have to know that it doesn’t take hours or a day, only you can decide how long you need to get over the experience. As impatient as you might be. For me, eight days. Seven long, never ending days of overthinking and pain, you couldn’t imagine the relief I had waking up on that eighth day and felt nothing, no hurt, no sympathy, no pity, just felt nothing. It doesn’t seem like a long time but like I said that’s okay.
So now where does that leave me? The only word I can even spit out is “Free”. I felt just free to do whatever I wanted. Now my sister’s lives went back on track, people get busy and tied up, I understand that. So I decided to do things solo, continue to do what I wanted but accepting the fact that I didn’t need anyone to tag along.
I went for a drive about two days ago, brought my best friend along with me who ended up with his head out the window the entire time, but my five pound Chihuahua did have the time of his life. Drove down my favourite road, and kept driving. I was so lost in the environment, the peacefulness of being about to drive for as long as I wanted, music up loud of course. I didn’t want to turn back, I wanted to keep driving until I physically couldn’t anymore.
I have learned a lot about myself so far on this journey, I enjoy being alone. Listening to the music I want to, watching the shows I liked, being able to go for a run at sunset, skinny dip at midnight, little joys of life. Which I haven’t been able to experience in a long time.
See, you don’t need a huge group of friends and unlimited alcoholic drinks to have a good time. I mean, it sounds like fun but my point is, sometimes it’s nice to get in tune with yourself. Reevaluate your morals, your thoughts and ambitions. What drives you, where you want to be in life, where you want to go, and what you want to see.
Me? I want the world, I want to see the places that make me feel alive, and I’ve decided I’m going to do everything I can to make it happen, for nobody but myself.
Sometimes you think best when you’re sitting on a porch, in bed, a cup of tea or coffee, good music playing in the background and just think. Be lonely for a night, take that time for yourself to better you.
It’s your time, your life, live it the way you want because honestly, it’s way too short to have somebody else make the choices for you.
I hope this made sense to you.
I hope you follow your heart and you set your soul on fire because we all deserve it.
I hope you go a little crazy, spend some time alone, make life changing decisions.
I hope you find yourself and love the person you are.