July 2nd, 2017.
This post is not a regular post. No it’s not about my fashion hobbies or conquering the world today. This is a post about knowing where you stand with yourself.
June 29th, 2017.
I woke up, with the feeling of not wanting to wake up. I wanted to roll right back over and pull the covers over my head and just sleep until the 30th. However, I have duties, two dogs to take care of and a house to clean. So I got up, took a shower, thinking that I could simply wash away my feelings and tried to get my day going.
So here’s the thing about this day, I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t even near feeling like myself that day, so much so that it was hard even responding to my name. My own name, how silly right? how can someone not listen to someone calling their own name? Ridiculous.
The weather had my back though, rainy day it was.
I found a new love.
A new love of mine, and no it wasn’t a boy, or a girl.
It wasn’t a person in general.
It was coffee. Yes you read that correctly, I found a new love for a coffee shop I had never went to in my own little town. I walked into this place and fell in love. The friendly service, the coziness of a tiny shop that smelt like colombia coffee, serving drinks and strudel on actual plates instead of fast food bags, that was my jam.
I had an XL coffee and cinnamon bun, found a seat next to the window and just watched. I watched as people went about their day, doing their duties, responding to their own name.
I sat there for what seemed like hours but in reality was about fifteen minutes. All I could think about was what I was missing, what am I missing in my life to give me the kind of motivation to wake up in the morning? Of course I had and still have no idea, but the point is July 29th I didn’t feel complete.
Now here’s a little fun fact if you will about myself, I used to think if someone didn’t respond to my text right away, return my call, or even not smile back when i passed them that they were being rude (or I was doing something wrong). That’s me for yeah, always jumping to the wrong conclusions, what else is new? Well I get it now.
I get why sometimes someone misses your call.
I get why sometimes someone just doesn’t text you back.
So listen, now you’re going to think this is the kind of post about how my depression is taking over my life. Or a post about how I have so much anxiety I have to miss events, parties, phone calls, and should be taking my medication for it, but it’s not.
This is about understanding.
See a lot of us know the meaning of the word, but don’t get it.
This is about understanding when your girlfriend doesn’t feel like going out today, or getting mad at your friend for not responding to your rate of 30 seconds per text message. This is about understanding your boyfriend when he doesn’t want to hangout that day. Understanding your best friend when she spends all day in bed when you want to just drag her to the beach. Understanding a parent or relative, when they tell you their just not up for anything that day, that their just not up for it that day.
Some people jump out of bed in the morning with the biggest smile on their face ready for whatever that day brings. Some people take everything they have in them just to wake up and crawl out of bed in the morning. So after reading this dreadfully boring post about how depression, anxiety and whatever mental illness you have can literally prevent you from being the person you are. From responding to your own name. I hope you take into consideration the following:
Everybody is going through stuff. Good stuff bad stuff whatever it may be, they’re going through it. Some days you can be on top of the world, in charge of your own life and applying yourself in the best ways and others you feel like a puppet and someone is harping on your strings trying to control your actions and mind
See how intense it is? See how intense I can make it sound? That’s how someone feels, whether it’s on June 29th or everyday.
Now I promise not every post is going to be well this, “depressing”, and It wont have to take everything I have to sit down and try to explain to you how I feel, but bear with me, because now you’re really on this journey with me.