“Spoiler alert: Love is worth everything. Everything.”

I wanna know who you love.

I want to know who keeps you up at night making you go crazy because you’re playing that “whos gonna break the silence and talk first” game.

Who makes you cry true salty tears.

Who makes you smile and laugh as if you never have before in your entire life.
You know what I am talking about right?

Where every song on the radio is obviously about you and your upcoming love story.

That breaking all your mother’s rules because nobody can understand how one person can completely make you carefree and risk almost anything.

Being so sleep deprived you end up walking around like a zombie half the time just to stay up with them and ask about each other’s lives, the real getting to know you stage.
Favourite animal, colour, place to travel, where they live, where they want to live, you know it. Dreams, ambitions, pets names, parents names, first goldfishes name for god sakes you know it.

Have they told you how their siblings can drive them up the wall on a daily basis?
Or how badly they wanted siblings growing up?

You see today, and yesterday, I watched “Everything, everything” a 2017 modern romance movie. It basically broke my heart.
How can a movie break my heart I could imagine you wondering, well, this movie was so good I fell in love with it. The characters and everything, how somebody could imagine such a beautiful romance and it isn’t even real. I made my mother sit down and watch it with me because I secretly wanted her input on it. During the best part of the movie, where the couple runs away to Hawaii and spends an unbelievably beautiful day together obviously, she looked at me and said: “Who was your first love?”. What a question, that we all know the answer too. She even knew the answer because it was her shoulder i used to cry over my poor broken heart.
So who was it? Who made you feel like you never wanted to look at another person ever again because you don’t even want to go through the pain they just caused you to feel.

But you did, didn’t you. You try again and again.

If you haven’t guessed yet I am secretly a crazy die hard romantic. (Oops, secrets out)
I live for receiving roses, going for long walks on the beach, having romantic dinners where you stare at the person sitting across from you as if nobody else was even at the restaurant. I want to wait with anticipation for weeks just for someone to work up the courage to tell me they love me like they were choking on the words because they are so nervous but happy they finally said it. As if this stuff even happens anymore. As if a boy is actually going to find paper and sit his butt down to write you a love letter and mail it. Dreaming now, aren’t I? As if people don’t just type “ily” and send it through their cellular devices when they assume the other person wants to hear it. Don’t get me wrong, some boys and girls aren’t like that, they love the heck out of their significant other, they would probably do backflips to keep a smile on their face. I want that.

Can you think of the craziest thing you have ever done for a person?

I can, the truth is I’ve done some pretty crazy, stupid stuff for people I have loved. Some I regret, of course, some I truly don’t. See when I love someone, I love with everything I have. I would do anything and everything for someone I love, there’s my hopeless romantic coming out again. Fair warning though, it’s as dangerous as it sounds.
It’s as easy for someone to tell you how they feel and mean it, as it is for someone to say it because it’s what you want to hear. So how do you know the difference? This is what I’m trying to figure out.

It’s all a risk. Getting to know someone always is.
Is that what keeps drawing me back for more?
Is that why we all go back for more?

See I feel like I can write about love forever. Don’t worry I won’t, but the point is love is just something I simply don’t understand. It’s complex and messy, it’s wonderful, exciting, it’s addicting. My mother says I will just know when it’s right when someone is right for me. It will be easy she says. I mean she has been married to my father for about twenty years now so how can she steer me wrong?

Love is everything. I mean, love is just a word with a meaning but honestly without it what do we have?

I can tell you I love my family, my dog, cat, small town, house, car, it’s simple to admit that because I know exactly why I love those things. I can’t however, tell you why it hurts so badly, emotionally and physically (yes a physical pain in your body)  to lose something you love. Like I said sometimes it’s something I simply don’t understand.

So my loyal readers, before I keep rambling on, who do you love? Do you love each other with all you have? Are you still searching for the right person, are you not even worried about such a thing right now? I want to know. Did you find love at first sight? Do you even think that exists? Are you going to sit down and write a letter to the love you lost a year ago? Well, I hope you do. Because I may be a silly romantic in our modern day and age, but I would rather experience it over and over again than not to at all.

Me, Myself & I

I told you guys from the beginning that I will bring you on this journey of truly finding myself, and also helping you get in touch with yourself.
I have done just that, or at least have tried to. The truth is, sometimes life gets messy, complicated, kinda seems like the drama won’t end. It does, you realise what kind of friends you need in your life, and who to depend on, what you should be doing to make yourself happy again.

So over the past little while, I’ve gone through a separation with somebody who, like we all do, thought I was going to be with for a long time. If you’re lucky your friends will have your back and offer to keep you busy so your mind doesn’t drive you crazy, and if your me, you will have two sisters bringing you everywhere because you haven’t spent more than an hour with either of them in months. That made me so grateful.

At first, it’s lonely, and I’m talking real lonely. Like wanting to sleep for days and days, not wanting to leave the house because you just don’t want to explain yourself to anyone. You don’t want to believe it when they say it takes time as if nobody has ever felt as hurt as you are.

It does take time. It takes as much time as you allow yourself. That’s okay, you have to know that it doesn’t take hours or a day, only you can decide how long you need to get over the experience. As impatient as you might be. For me, eight days. Seven long, never ending days of overthinking and pain, you couldn’t imagine the relief I had waking up on that eighth day and felt nothing, no hurt, no sympathy, no pity, just felt nothing. It doesn’t seem like a long time but like I said that’s okay.

So now where does that leave me? The only word I can even spit out is “Free”. I felt just free to do whatever I wanted. Now my sister’s lives went back on track, people get busy and tied up, I understand that. So I decided to do things solo, continue to do what I wanted but accepting the fact that I didn’t need anyone to tag along.

I went for a drive about two days ago, brought my best friend along with me who ended up with his head out the window the entire time, but my five pound Chihuahua did have the time of his life. Drove down my favourite road, and kept driving. I was so lost in the environment, the peacefulness of being about to drive for as long as I wanted, music up loud of course.  I didn’t want to turn back, I wanted to keep driving until I physically couldn’t anymore.

I have learned a lot about myself so far on this journey, I enjoy being alone. Listening to the music I want to, watching the shows I liked, being able to go for a run at sunset, skinny dip at midnight, little joys of life. Which I haven’t been able to experience in a long time.

See, you don’t need a huge group of friends and unlimited alcoholic drinks to have a good time. I mean, it sounds like fun but my point is, sometimes it’s nice to get in tune with yourself. Reevaluate your morals, your thoughts and ambitions. What drives you,  where you want to be in life, where you want to go, and what you want to see.
Me? I want the world, I want to see the places that make me feel alive, and I’ve decided I’m going to do everything I can to make it happen, for nobody but myself.

Sometimes you think best when you’re sitting on a porch, in bed, a cup of tea or coffee, good music playing in the background and just think. Be lonely for a night, take that time for yourself to better you.

Be selfish.
It’s your time, your life, live it the way you want because honestly, it’s way too short to have somebody else make the choices for you.

I hope this made sense to you.
I hope you follow your heart and you set your soul on fire because we all deserve it.
I hope you go a little crazy, spend some time alone, make life changing decisions.
I hope you find yourself and love the person you are.

Short, but sweet.

hello, friends, and fellow readers.
I’m going to start by asking you two questions to answer honestly.
How old are you?
How old do you act?
No, I’m not talking about how old you are according to your fake ID you got from that one girl with similar features as you. I’m talking about how old you are according to that thing called a birth certificate the day your mum popped you out.

Me? I’m twenty-one.
How old do I act? About thirty.

See I have this mindset that I am supposed to have everything figured out. I get mad at myself constantly because of I’m not where I think I should be in life. I’m physically stressing out over it. I want a house, a full-time career, a family and a place to call home. No matter how I got it. No matter how many times my mum, dad, professors, doctors, told me “you’re only twenty-one” I just didn’t see it. I’m impatient.

So some pretty dramatic experiences happened to me recently and it caused my mind to do a complete 180.
No, I’m not going into detail about my life pretty much falling apart but you get the point. Now I look at it like, I’m twenty-one. Why on earth would I have really anything figured out?
A house, with bills, mortgage, taxes? Yuck.
A family? Well, I already have a family, two sisters, parents and a niece.
And at last, a place to call home. Who doesn’t want that? Here’s what I learned. Home is where you feel comfortable, like where you can sing in the shower without a care. Where you can wake up at 3 a.m and somehow make it to the kitchen for a snack.
It can also be a person. I found a home in a person, and no matter where we were as long as we were together it was home. I was comfortable.
Here’s the thing about comfortable, comfortable isn’t permanent. Sure it feels like home and seems like you can be comfortable forever, but honestly whats the fun in that?
What’s so fun about acting like a thirty-something-year-old when I’m twenty-one?

I now worry about different things, like where I’m going for my next drink. What I am going to wear today, sweats? a dress? Am I going to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight? Where am I even going to sleep tonight? And you know what, it feels damn good. It feels really good to act twenty-one again. See there’s nothing wrong with acting older than you are because some people are very mature, had to grow up faster than others to take care of themselves and that’s fine. Just make time to have fun.

Make time to go out with that one friend you haven’t talked to in forever. Make time to call up your best friend, go for a drive down a windy road blasting whatever track that makes you feel on top of the world. Meet up with that guy who’s been liking all of your selfies and let him buy you a drink, even if it sucks you have a beer in your system. Go to that bar that everyone you don’t like is at and look fine as hell and dance the night away. My point is to make time to be twenty-one, or nineteen, or however old you are, because soon you will be thirty something, with a house, family and a place to call home and will be wishing you were younger.

Don’t be impatient, enjoy your surroundings, and if you don’t then change them. Have meaningful conversations about what you wanna be, your life goals, where you want to travel, and if your bank account looks something like 0.03$ then save up for that plane ticket, get air miles, get motivation.

All I am saying is, act your age, and enjoy it.
Don’t act your age and enjoy it.
Just find a way to truly enjoy this little thing we call life before we have the responsibilities of a thirty-something-year-old.

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July 2nd, 2017.

This post is not a regular post. No it’s not about my fashion hobbies or conquering the world today. This is a post about knowing where you stand with yourself.

June 29th, 2017.

I woke up, with the feeling of not wanting to wake up. I wanted to roll right back over and pull the covers over my head and just sleep until the 30th. However, I have duties, two dogs to take care of and a house to clean. So I got up, took a shower, thinking that I could simply wash away my feelings and tried to get my day going.

So here’s the thing about this day, I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t even near feeling like myself that day, so much so that it was hard even responding to my name. My own name, how silly right? how can someone not listen to someone calling their own name? Ridiculous.
The weather had my back though, rainy day it was.

I found a new love.
A new love of mine, and no it wasn’t a boy, or a girl.
It wasn’t a person in general.
It was coffee. Yes you read that correctly, I found a new love for a coffee shop I had never went to in my own little town. I walked into this place and fell in love. The friendly service, the coziness of a tiny shop that smelt like colombia coffee, serving drinks and strudel on actual plates instead of fast food bags, that was my jam.
I had an XL coffee and cinnamon bun, found a seat next to the window and just watched. I watched as people went about their day, doing their duties, responding to their own name.

I sat there for what seemed like hours but in reality was about fifteen minutes. All I could think about was what I was missing, what am I missing in my life to give me the kind of motivation to wake up in the morning? Of course I had and still have no idea, but the point is July 29th I didn’t feel complete.

Now here’s a little fun fact if you will about myself, I used to think if someone didn’t respond to my text right away, return my call, or even not smile back when i passed them that they were being rude (or I was doing something wrong). That’s me for yeah, always jumping to the wrong conclusions, what else is new? Well I get it now.

I get why sometimes someone misses your call.
I get why sometimes someone just doesn’t text you back.

So listen, now you’re going to think this is the kind of post about how my depression is taking over my life. Or a post about how I have so much anxiety I have to miss events, parties, phone calls, and should be taking my medication for it, but it’s not.
This is about understanding.
See a lot of us know the meaning of the word, but don’t get it.
This is about understanding when your girlfriend doesn’t feel like going out today, or getting mad at your friend for not responding to your rate of 30 seconds per text message. This is about understanding your boyfriend when he doesn’t want to hangout that day. Understanding your best friend when she spends all day in bed when you want to just drag her to the beach. Understanding a parent or relative, when they tell you their just not up for anything that day, that their just not up for it that day.

Some people jump out of bed in the morning with the biggest smile on their face ready for whatever that day brings. Some people take everything they have in them just to wake up and crawl out of bed in the morning. So after reading this dreadfully boring post about how depression, anxiety and whatever mental illness you have can literally prevent you from being the person you are. From responding to your own name. I hope you take into consideration the following:
Everybody is going through stuff. Good stuff bad stuff whatever it may be, they’re going through it. Some days you can be on top of the world, in charge of your own life and applying yourself in the best ways and others you feel like a puppet and someone is harping on your strings trying to control your actions and mind
See how intense it is? See how intense I can make it sound? That’s how someone feels, whether it’s on June 29th or everyday.

Now I promise not every post is going to be well this, “depressing”, and It wont have to take everything I have to sit down and try to explain to you how I feel, but bear with me, because now you’re really on this journey with me.

Here is the vintage LA GEAR Jean Jacket I purchased from my last post!
Since this isn’t a regular post I would like to add that feedback is everything, so let me know if you like what you read and drop a comment or hit my DM’s up, my social media links are all over my blog xx. IMG_5512IMG_5513IMG_5514

My first element

As I sit here in front of my computer screen, staring at the keyboard in complete confusion, not because I can’t find something to write about but because I have way to much to write about, way to much to get off my chest.

Like where do I begin? With my five mental breakdowns a week? My habit of avoiding everyone I care about because of my constant need to impress everyone around me. Why I think anyone who glances at me when I walk by is silently judging me, waiting for me to trip or stumble past them as if they even know how much of a mess I am?

Well I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this is not that kind of post.

No this is the kinda of post to uplift you, to make you think of your deepest passions. I’m talking about what keeps you up at night because you love doing it so much, the dream job you can’t wait to start, that secret garden you’ve always wanted but never had the time. The person who you cant stop thinking about, all day long, dying to just send that “Hey” text message hoping that their not like anyone you have ever met before. Hoping you can run into them even for 30 seconds that day because no matter how they look you’re going to be excited to see them. Yes I’m talking about that kind of passion, that kind of love.

Where did it go?
Where have I lost all of my excitement in my life, where did my passions go? Where did those butterflies in my gut that used to flutter until I couldn’t stop smiling, go?
Well to be honest, I have absolutely no idea! But I’m going to get it back.

So where would I even begin? What were my passions? Well I obviously won’t let the cat out of the bag that easy, at least not without a little back story of course.
So here I was, about a week ago, searching for a new show I can binge watch on Netflix. Been there too? Thought so.
I came across this show that kept catching my eye, called “Girl Boss”.
I clicked play and watched the entire first season in a day. I was feeling it.
So this girl gets fired from her job, feels like it’s the end of the world, on the search to find her passions, what she was good at. She came across a clothing store with tons of vintage clothing and obviously decided retail therapy would fix her problems, because come on, doesn’t it?
Any who she starts her own online business selling her redesigned vintage clothing. She finds love, also finds out a boy isn’t what you need to be happy, and ends up with a super successful business doing what she loves.

Yeah yeah, I get it, it’s just a show.
But let me tell you that this show gave me an idea.
So you can kinda guess how my life got on a roll.
I quit my job.
Decided to take time off to discover how to get my butterflies back. And meant it.

This all brings me to today, July 25th 2017.

I woke up and went for a drive, a daily routine I find myself doing to enjoy my first coffee of the day and to see who’s up and about in town. Thinking what am I going to do today? Isn’t that a question and a half. What do you want to waste your 24 hours a day doing? Who do you want to see? Well I decided to spend it however I liked, doing whatever I wanted to do, that started online.

*Types in Vintage clothing shops in my region*
*Drives to said Vintage shops*

So pouring down rain, I walk into this vintage clothing shop hoping to find something that will catch my eye. BOOM. Found it. Found another, and another, and throw in a pair of sunglasses and 114$ later and I’m out.

I swear I have never felt more in my element.
Yeah I never pictured my element to be a thunderstorm, sweaty packed store that smelled like a mix of the 70’s & 80’s but hey, that’s me.
Let me tell you that I felt like I just won. I won these clothes, because for all of these years and all of these people who have looked at the same pieces of clothing and turned them down, now belong in MY closet. I was feeling great! I may have even muttered the words “best day ever” somewhere in the excitement.

All day all I could think of is wearing these clothes. Redesigning these pieces. Selling these pieces. Just call me Girl Boss will ya?

I wanna feel this high all the time, this mindful high that makes me think outside the tight little box of my mind and get’s me thinking of what my elements are. That’s it isn’t it, that’s the secret, to be in your elements all the time. To be so happy that you physically are glowing, and radiance streaks off of you because everyone around you knows that you and your happiness are not to be disturbed. I am pushing you to find that, screaming it in your face to find your passions, even if its driving an hour to a vintage store in the pouring rain to waste money you don’t have, on clothes that you adore because thats what gives you hope that maybe for once you are on the right track.

Find it.

Find the urge to wake up tomorrow and just drive. Go to that coffee shop you keep driving past and have a cup of joe by yourself. Take a romantic walk on the beach at sunset all alone because you want to. Spend your whole day in a float, sailing away in your pool with absolutely no responsibility other than what mix drink is going to be in your hand. My point is, do it because you want to. Nobody else but yourself. Find those butterflies and never lose them, you know why? Because you will get bored with that job. You will get tired of taking care of everybody else but yourself, tired of wishing for the weekend to get up and do something, counting down until Friday night because the relief of freedom it brings, and when the sun goes down and you’re in bed with no passions keeping you up at night, nobody to send “Hey” too, you’re going to wish you took that time to enjoy your day. To enjoy everyday.

So whether you read this and think I’m nuts for giving such advice when i’m a mess and a half myself, or whether you take this and run with it.
I hope you have a gut full of butterflies.
I hope you enjoyed your day.
I hope you find that kind of passion.
I hope you can look at the person you have been thinking about all day and tell them how you feel.
I hope you are happy.
And most of all, I hope you wake up every morning and do something that is going to make you think “this is the best day ever” because honestly, shouldn’t everyday be?

First post!

If you decided to check out my “about” page you will find a little summary of why I decided to start this whole thing.

Back story (aka boring intro to a boring life)
I would like to say it started a week or two ago, but in reality it started about a year ago. I was in school for something I found would be a decent hobby. I was working at the same job I had for six years and counting. I found “love”, or at least a very good disguise of lust. Moved out. Yep, mom’s middle birdie decided to be the first to leave the nest, whether they liked it or not. I thought, just for second that I was on track.
Boy, oh boy was I wrong.

Long story short, after a long year of being pushed around, walked over, bullied, and told “No” over and over again I finally decided………”WTF”.
Why was I letting people treat me like i didn’t even exist in the world, like what i had to say didn’t matter or getting told my dreams were “unrealistic”. Does anyone know how that truly affects a person? Has anyone ever just sat down and cried because they don’t even recognize the person who’s looking in the mirror? Well that was me.

I am a diagnosed, dedicated, Insta creeper.
I can’t help it, I want to know what’s going on around me. What’s going on in the world.
All I kept seeing was these girls, all these girls posting about summer, spending days on a beach, on vacation, partying, drinking until sunrise and sleeping in all day just to do it again. These girls with all their new bathing suits, and name brand clothing, and booty pics and smiles on their faces that reach from one side of their cheek to the other.
I was jealous.

I am jealous.
Of girls and of people who I have never met. They had something i didn’t, they had the freedom that i wish i had. The freedom to do whatever they please, with who they please, when they want to do it. How lucky right?
So where do I go from here? Where do i begin this journey of freeing myself? Well the answer was literally right in front of me. Myself. I have to start with myself first.

So what does an emotional young adult do when they don’t know what to do? I looked it up. I Pinterest “Keys to happiness” and you know what I found, i found 10. Ten mystical, made up keys to happiness that a million people have probably tried and failed at, but here i am going to explain to you why i am not one of those people. Why I am going to better myself each day and make my future into something i look forward too and stop counting down the days until something happens and actually make something happen.

10 keys to happiness. 
1. Rest your ego and the meaningless comparisons
2. Help others when you’re able
3. Spend time with those who inspire you
4. Let go of needless worries and old wounds (yes! let it go. let it all go! bye!!)
5. Choose to push forward even when it hurts
6. Be ambitious enough to fail
7. Turn your goals into daily habits
8. Focus on your authenticity and integrity
9. Be present in this moment
10. Foster your own personal growth

So there it is, as simple and as complicated as that.

I’m not here to bore you. Nor am I doing all of this for the attention or credit.

No, I’m here to exist, I’m here to show people who are in the hole, that it’s ok.
People who are in this metaphoric hole and can’t get out. The people who feel trapped in life, in relationships, in their own house, or in their own town etc.

Because here’s a little trick my mother always told me, the one thing she tells me whenever she knows I need to hear it. Some corny line from some movie she loves (I think its “We bought a Zoo” w/ hot older Matt Damon) but here it is:

“You know sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it”

The one line, the one stinking line I will never forget.

Because the thing is, it works.